How to be the Role Model your Daughter Deserves
One of the things that drives me regularly
when it comes to decision-making and behavior is how my daughter will perceive
me and what she will learn from my actions. When I feel like quitting
something, I remind myself that she is watching; when I don’t feel like
training or eating well, I ask myself what I would want her to do in that
moment.
There are so many ways I can influence the
woman she is becoming, and I truly believe as mothers and parents we must never
underestimate our role in this.
Our
Health:
The decisions we make about our health and
the importance we place on it as parents will ultimately influence the way our
daughters cares about themselves. My daughter is a pre-teen, so role modeling
basic hygiene and allowing her to see and replicate my hygiene is critical.
However, I have learnt that simply demonstrating is not always enough. This is
an area that I underestimated and am now investing more time in than I expected.
For me it is also about educating her dad,
who lives separately, so it can be reinforced daily. But this goes far beyond
hygiene and self care. My relationship with medical professionals such as GPs and
dentists will be passed to my daughter as well. I have had to force myself to
not only go to the dentist regularly, but also not let my fear of dentists pass
on to my daughter. Teaching our daughters about the importance of regular check
ups for pap smears and breast checks, even at a young age, will potentially
save them one day. And more importantly, it takes away their fear of having
these conversations with you, or a medical professional, when the need arises.
Our Body:
From day one of owning a gym I have always
insisted that conversations about weight, scales and body fat not be discussed
around my daughter. I have always had conversations about this with members as well,
especially mums. Our daughters should never be brought up believing that scales
must exist in their bathrooms and that they are defined by their weight; you
are beautiful the way you are – you made that beautiful girl staring back at
you.
Don’t teach her to be ashamed of her body,
to measure her progress or to ever believe that her butt must be a certain size
to be accepted. If you must have scales in your bathroom, please put them away
and never weigh yourself in front of your daughter. She does not need to go
through her teens believing her happiness is measured in numbers. Let’s teach
them other ways to measure their health. Talk about what strength looks like and what it feels like to be capable, strong and independent.
Our Family
Unit:
Relationships can be extremely challenging
to navigate. There’s a great mix of family units outside of the mum, dad and
three kids scenario, with marriage breakdowns, same sex couples, single parents
and many other family make-ups breaking the nuclear family mould. I have learnt
that the best relationship is the one that demonstrates a healthy connection to
each other with a solid dose of happiness. I don’t believe parents should stay
together purely for their children. I believe parents should chase their own
dreams and happiness, if this is what we genuinely want for our children. I
invited a mum I deeply admire, who isn’t just a valued member of RHQ, but also
someone I am lucky enough to consider a friend, to contribute to this piece. I have watched Sarah Donald lead her children
through beautiful relationship choices, with grace and integrity and it is an
honor to co-write this piece with her.
“Healthy relationships come in all shapes
and sizes, be it with friends, parents, siblings, work colleagues,
girlfriends...even ex-husbands! Healthy relationships, particularly those with
a romantic partner, will evolve over time. Every single one will present
challenges and heartache but will also provide you with the most joyous, loved
up feels you could ever imagine.
“We talk to our daughters about being kind
and respectful and that to love and be loved is the most wonderful experience
and gift. We want the best for our daughters, for them to be happy and yet most
of us, if we reflect honestly, may in
fact admit that we are unhappy. Perhaps unhappy in our relationship, the very
relationship we are supposed to be modelling to ensure our girls can go out
into the world and experience the joy that a happy, healthy and respectful
relationship can bring. We want our daughters to experience these relationships
and grow from them.
“As grownups we need to remember that our
girls are always watching, that what we model will have far greater impact than
any wise words we may impart. They are looking at us and learning how to
behave, react and how to love and be in a healthy relationship.
“That being said, girls are always
listening, listening when we are on the phone, when we are talking at the
school gates, even when they are supposedly tucked up in their beds. They are
listening and watching. They often know far more than we give them credit for.
“Now, here’s my story. I’m not going to
lie, this has been harder than I anticipated, but I am glad I have written it
down and while I question myself daily, I believe I made the correct decision.
For myself and my girls.
“A little over eighteen months ago I moved
out of the family home and blew up the only life my daughters (then 7 and 8)
had ever known (mum, dad, two kids and a golden retriever under one roof). Now,
I know what you are thinking, who am I to write about ‘healthy relationships’?
“I am qualified because I recognised that I
wasn’t in one and that I could no longer model my fake happy or stay because I was ‘married and it’s the right thing to do
for the children’. I was not happy and that was impacting every other aspect of
my life and every other relationship, including my relationship with my
daughters.
“The decision to leave, while difficult,
allowed me the space to find ‘me’ and my true, authentic happy, and unsurprisingly I also found love (at the gym of all
places 😊). I am in a
healthy, loving, genuine relationship and I wouldn’t change a thing.
“At first glance you may think, ‘oh those
poor girls’, however look a little longer and you will see what we see, bigger
smiles, more laughter, more random hugs, gentle surprise kisses and hands that
quietly slip into ours and hold on for a little longer. As I said before, our
daughters are always watching and listening. My girls later informed me that
they knew I was unhappy all along but didn’t want to say anything or didn’t
know how, I guess.
“Kids are intuitive, my girls knew I was in
love with AFN before I could bring myself to tell them, they could see how
happy she made me (yes, she! That
story is for another day). I have met my person now and I can finally
demonstrate a healthy, loving and respectful relationship to my daughters.
“Your daughter’s best chance of seeking a
healthy relationship is for you to choose and chase your happy. Model strong
loving relationships with your kids and you will see the change, it’s the most
beautiful thing to witness. As cliched as it sounds, actions speak louder than
words, model happy and love and I’m certain your girls will
benefit now and into the future.”
Our Social
Media and Devices:
I want to make one thing clear here, I have
VERY firm beliefs regarding the use of phones and social media. No, it doesn’t
come from a space of restricting them, in fact I believe they should be able to
explore and learn safely. However, while a child is living with you, they are
your responsibility. We should never be afraid to remove a device from a child
or teen. Ever. This is called parenting.
Will they react? Of course they will. We
should have the confidence to restrict screen time, especially in the evenings,
and we must establish a relationship built on trust, respect and open
communication. Most importantly, we must role model a healthy relationship with
our own devices. This for me is most definitely a necessary work in progress. Some
of the images I see of teens on social media absolutely terrifies me. Parents,
please, take control of their devices. They will thank you for it one day.
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Photo Cred: Greg Elkenhans |
Our Work
Ethic:
This is a sticky one for some parents and I
want to start by saying I take my hat off to those of you who were stay-at-home
mums and could maintain your sanity. Whatever
you decide to do, teach your daughter to follow her passion and her dreams.
Figure out what you love and pursue it with absolute vigor.
Teach your daughter to chase her passion,
not money. Teach her about giving back, volunteering, community work and
helping people. Teach your daughter that sometimes YOU need to be the priority
because it means you are making a genuine difference in this world and that’s
ok. Teach your daughter to work hard and play hard. Teach her that stress won’t
serve her and that she must rise to any challenge or obstacle thrown her way.
Teach her not to have an entitlement over her time, rather that time is
fleeting and to make it count. I chose to leave an extremely high paying job in
the corporate world, to help and serve others through fitness and eventually
through owning my own gyms. At the age of 40, I have never been more broke. But
I have also never been more happy. I now make very conscious decisions about
how to spend my very small income and we choose adventures. Had I stayed in my
corporate job, we would certainly be living a more affluent lifestyle and I
probably wouldn’t be renting, but I also wouldn’t be living true to myself.
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I often take Josie to work with me. I teach her that my job is about serving others, not myself. I point out the amazing women around me and talk about how strong they are. |
Our Sexual
Relationships:
I called on good friend, Sarah Hickey, to
cover this one for me.
“A young girl’s first and primary example
of a relationship model is often her parents. These early observations and
experiences have a significant impact on how she will interpret healthy or
unhealthy behaviour in relationships, and her subsequent behaviour in future
relationships. We observe how parents communicate, treat each other, behave in
various environments (when we have company and when we don’t) and levels of
physical affection. Another element we learn a lot about by watching them is;
desire and intimacy.
“I’ve never met a child who enjoys seeing
their parents passionately kiss, hold each other or tap each other on the bum –
the response is often ‘ewwww’. However, in scenarios like this, what a child is
really observing is healthy desire and intimacy, and affection between two
consenting adults. Furthermore, they get to see their mother being treated with
love and respect which sets the tone for how young girls shape their
perceptions of a healthy dynamic. Some couples are naturally more affectionate
than others but the point to drive home is that physical affection is a healthy
behaviour for children to witness in a home.
“When it comes to sex itself, couples will
have to develop their own style for how they will communicate with their children.
Sharing with your child that Mum and Dad (or partner) are going to have some
‘connection’ time so they’ll be in the bedroom for a while and are not to be
disturbed, can be a really healthy boundary to establish. A simple boundary
like this can have an array of positive benefits:
·
It shows the child the importance of creating
quality time.
·
It shows the child the importance of
prioritising your relationship.
·
It actually allows the parents to have intimate
time (if schedules are challenging).
·
It starts an early understanding that private
time for parents is important and that Mums don’t just have a single identity
as ‘Mum’, but partner and lover also.
·
It can help drive healthy dialogue and curiosity
about what ‘connection time’ is.
“A young girl who sees her Mum as a
sexually empowered woman is a powerful learning. Openness is a key element to talking with our
children about sex and relationships and it’s better that they learn it from
people they trust (where the information is accurate) than the school
playground.
“What’s important to be aware of is that
you can’t let your own discomfort of having these conversations get in the way
of what your daughters need to help their growing understanding of
relationships. Above all else – walk the talk. Because they’re watching.” J
Our Exercise
and Nutrition:
Here’s the BIG one for me.
What is your relationship with exercise and
what are you teaching your daughter? I see so many mums who quit their exercise
when life gets busy, overwhelming, work is hard, finances are tight or the kids
have too much on with extra curricular exercise. This is the message you are
sending them – my own body, health and the way I look and feel about myself are
not important.
Do you want your daughter growing up
believing that?
Do you want your daughter or your kids
believing THEY are the reason you are overweight and unhealthy?
Do you want to teach your kids that MAFS is
more important than hitting the gym and getting those endorphins pumping?
As for nutrition, too many of our mums and
parents are teaching our kids to self medicate with food and alcohol. Hard day
at work…drink wine. Too busy at work…eat crappy take-out. Big week…don’t prep
food for the following week. Wanted a sleep in…here’s money for tuckshop.
We are creating a generation of kids who
self-medicate with lollies, fast food and alcohol rather than understanding the
benefits of eating well and eating whole foods consistently. Why? Because we
can’t be bothered, and we don’t realise the damage we are doing to our kids.
Our
Future:
At the end of the day when we make the
decision to become parents, we make a lifelong commitment to take care of that
child. This isn’t just about keeping that human alive. It’s about guiding them
to decisions and helping them to become solid humans who will have a positive
impact on our world and leave a legacy for future generations. All that I’ve
talked about here is only PART of this beautifully complex puzzle we call
parenting. Am I perfect at it? Absolutely not, far from it. But what I do know is this, my daughter will grow up knowing that she can be anything she wants to be, she can follow her passion and find her purpose and my role is to guide her and support her in finding her happiness, her voice and her strength. That it's ok, in fact it's critical, that she prioritise herself and her happiness and that her health is of the utmost importance if she wants to follow her dreams.