Tuesday, 16 May 2017

Letting go

Letting go…

I’ve been mulling over this topic for almost a week now. I have written this in my head three or four times. The concept of letting go can be applied to so many things, but the outcome of not letting go seems to have the same consequence – no matter what the object or circumstance is that we need to ‘let go’, the consequence will always be failure to grow.

As a coach, I see the consequence of my clients holding on to things from their past manifest itself in so many ways, all of these things leading to a less than satisfying or happy life. It also means they are not allowing themselves to:
1.  Learn and grow from that experience,
2.  Live a beautiful life, and
3.  Achieve the goals they come to me for in the first place.

Letting go of people –
How often do we cling to a friendship or a person who we know is causing us grief, sadness, stress or anger? I do it all the time. I want to help people SO badly that I maintain contact with them long after they are gone. Reaching out, trying to help them, trying to inspire them, thinking about them and ways that I may be able to help them. I recently realised that sometimes I have to let go. Either the time is not right for them or perhaps I am just not the right person for them.

And that really is ok.

Letting go of relationships –
I have seen so many people living in unhappy marriages, friendships and relationships because they believe that it’s either their destiny or they believe they can fix that person or that relationship. What if all relationship journeys had a start and finish point and we actually had NO control over it, like it was pre-determined?

Making the decision to walk away from a seemingly happy marriage with two children was one of the most excruciatingly difficult decisions my ex-husband and I ever had to make. Interestingly, the relationship is better now that we are not trying to force something that had sadly run its course. We both knew that we had a responsibility to model a healthy relationship for our children and by staying together, we were not staying true to this value that we both very firmly agreed upon and believed in.

And that really is ok.

We still are, and always be a family.
Rob is an incredible father and we continue to do things as
a family.
Our separation does not need to impact the kids.

Letting go of identity –
One of my biggest hurdles as a coach is helping someone understand that the identity they hold onto may actually be holding them back from achieving their goals. To surge forward there needs to be a process of ‘letting go’ of that identity. I had to let go of the identity I had created for myself – that I was a small girl who couldn’t lift much. Hence the nickname Ronnie Coleman was created.

But more seriously, I have seen clients hold onto traumas from their past that severely impacted their own self-belief. Clients who believe their identity is a certain body shape (for example, “I am the fat mum.”) prevents their ability to move forward, and even clients who identify with certain moods or emotional states struggle to experience true joy in their achievements.

What if we allowed ourselves to acknowledge these events in our past as exactly that – PAST – and let them go? Or even better, utilised those experiences to learn, grow and help others, and to become the best version of ourselves through our experiences or trauma. It genuinely frightens me when I have a client who is unable to let go of their identity, because I know they get ONE single shot at this life, and if they could let go of the identity they hold onto, their life could be magical.

And that really is ok!

Letting go of experiences –
I was having coffee with my son Sam this morning. He’s 6 years old and I am completely smitten with him. I was thinking about his childhood, whilst also thinking about this blog and I realised that I had to go through a process with him of letting go of our earliest days together. In our early days, I had an extremely traumatic experience with him as a baby for a period of almost 18 months. There is nothing I can say that truly explains how bad it was, you just have to take my word for it. But I remember spending some time with a baby expert when we had exhausted all other avenues and were absolutely desperate. We had been released from sleep school having ‘failed’ that process, no books could help us, no doctors, nothing.

Whilst this baby expert couldn’t solve our sleep problems, what she did do was provide an environment where I could sit with Sam, connect with him as a mother and son, fall in love with him again and let go of the resentment, the trauma, the bad feelings and the experiences I had with him. I remember reflecting on this experience with Sam’s dad afterwards and we both agreed that what this expert did for us was allow us to connect with our son.

Sam spent the majority of his first 18 months
attached to Rob or I in some form.
He had to stay
upright due to his silent reflux. 
Now that the fog has lifted, what it actually did was allow me to let go and move forward. I wonder what my relationship with Sam would be like now had someone not taken me through this process and given me permission to let go of the experience? Letting go of this experience allowed me to become the mother I am today.

And that really is ok.

So, how do I let go?
Why this piece came about was because I am currently finding a particular transition quite difficult – letting go of complete control of Ritual HQ, my third baby. For five years now, this business has been my sole responsibility. I have kept it alive through the highs and lows and have given my heart, soul and everything I own to this place. However, it is time to let my team step in and take control so I can grow and expand Ritual HQ.

My team have got this. I know that deep in my heart. I know that the day-to-day operations are 100% safe in their hands, led by my partner Tyler. But until I let go, they can’t fully embrace the opportunity and the challenge. Tyler and the team know how important this is. They love this business as much as I do and that’s how I know the time is right to let them take control. It doesn’t mean I am exiting stage right. What it means though is that now I can start to focus on the bigger dreams that we have for Ritual HQ and for our community. If I don’t let go I can’t grow, and neither can Ritual HQ.

And you know what – it really is going to be ok!


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